ST PATRICK'S DAY is upon us, meaning there's never been a better time to tell an Irish joke
From a priest's run-in with the police or a visit to the local doctor, no subject is off limits when it comes to Irish gags.
Ireland has a rich and proud tradition for producing the best jokes around. More importantly they are the kind of jokes you can learn and share with your family should the occasion call for it.
And what better occasion than St Patrick's Day? Here are 10 of our favourites.
10. The Priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
9. The Quickest Way To Cork
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
8. One Last Shot
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: "Wow! You sure drank those fast."
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have."
The barman asks: "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: "Fifty cents!"
7. The Car Park
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
6. Taking Out An Advert
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
5. Three Brothers
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
4. Man's Best Friend
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad," asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
3. Visiting The Doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
2. Digging A Hole
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
1. The Grieving Widow
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass.
He says: "So what's bothering you?"
She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"
"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
See More: Irish Jokes, Jokes, St Patrick's Day
