AS the summer heats up and temperatures hit the thirties, Katy Harrington has a few handy tips for the Irish on how to survive the heat...
1. Be proud to be pale
Embrace the pale and interesting look.
Yes, it’s sickening to see other people effortlessly remove their clothes only to reveal that they have the body and skin tone of a Brazilian model.
But we Irish have other gifts, like being able to talk our way out of parking tickets and into people’s pants.
2. Be cool
I know, the sun is out and that is majorly exciting, but it comes out more than once every four years here so try not to go ballistic.
Racing to B&Q to buy a whole set of garden furniture and barbecue or stripping down to your socks on public transport is not widely acceptable.
3. Stay hydrated
You had a few beers last night, and you haven’t eaten anything else except a Marlboro light
Wishing you'd brought water, you wonder if it's ok to ask that pregnant lady if you can have her seat.
My advice is not to make a journey of over 10metres without liquids.
Don't you wish you were a Labrador and could drink out of the toilet or puddles without being judged?
4. Sunburn
There’s no avoiding this really, unless you are going to reapply factor 50 every 15 minutes, which you won’t.
Getting burnt is a rite of passage for Irish people and if you come back from a holiday abroad anything but a deeply worrying shade of nuclear red people look at you baffled and ask what went wrong?
Generally you can spot an Irish person in the sun pretty easily, their face should be the shade of an angry lobster.
If in doubt if their nationality, check the legs, which should always be milk bottle white.
6. Air conditioning
At home in Ireland air conditioning is as rare as a hen’s teeth,
If it does prepare to spend the next week with half of your colleagues whinging that they are "freezing" while the others huff and puff around saying they can't work in this heat.
If you have a electric fan on your desk it’s totally fine to do the whole Beyoncé Crazy in Love dance in front of it daily, even the bit where she licks her thumb and runs in down her chest.
Your boss will love it.
7. Attendance
You can bank on people pulling sickies when the weather is like this.
Practise your 'poor me, I'm sick' voice now or get your food poisoning story straight.
And for goodness sake if you are sodding off to the beach for the day, wear a disguise.
8. Fashion
In the sun, people tend to wear ‘fun’ things they would never entertain putting on at any other time of the year.
A few words of advice for men - that ‘wacky’ Hawaiian shirt you love, it’s like pouring battery acid on our eyeballs.
Likewise pervy ‘slogan’ t-shirts of the ‘Female Body Inspector’ or ‘I may not be a gynaecologist, but I'll take a look’ ilk are best left in the drawer.
9. Dealing with Hangovers
A hangover in the heat is the worst.
Sunlight coming through the curtains heating your big soupy head, your mouth feels like you slept with a pair of tube socks in it and your eyes sting like nettles.
I know your mum said it was a sin to stay in on a sunny day but don't mind her.
Find a cool corner of your flat (the little nook between the toilet and the shower might do), worm in there, cover your self in a towel and enjoy the cooling sensation of the tiles on your face.
Ah, that’s better.
10. Ice Cream
From May until September replace at least one meal a day with ice cream.
If your local shop runs out of peanut butter Cornettos it’s not ok to come back later and smash the windows and loot the place.
No one wants a riot
